Photography by Supreme Optics Photography

August 24, 2019

Avoiding the voices outside me, I grew to trust the one growing within. There are distractions; from my phone, television, other stuff to read, my puppy, and family — all taking me away from what I feel is my purpose. What’s real is my misunderstanding of resistance. What’s outside my control is the future. As well as the past — leading to self-compassion becoming my best friend in the journey of writing alone.

Although my past is null and void, the idea is I cannot prove any of it makes my progress come to life every morning. However, my battle is in the emotions which I cannot control. When it comes down to writing I fight the ever emerging emotions pulling me back to my past.

As a full-time writer it hinders my tasks. The emotions which proceed a thought are the correlating ques driving resistance. It got really bad in June — defeat in terms of I couldn’t get my book done. Like the amateur I predicted to be, I ran out of money. Talk about a new train of anxiety, I was on track to failure.

I saw the pictures of a failing writer, an ignorant daring dreamer, no regrets, however, the sucker in me questioned the aviator’s decision.

I had to beat up the sucker. Through self-compassion I politely informed him I’m new at this. And now have a better lesson to teach those coming up after me. This is hard work; a new challenge daily, a different sacrifice, and the familiar feeling of hurt creates an unrealistic photo of my future.

I refused to let that photo turn into a motion picture; you know, the one where I fail and loose everything because I wasn’t strategic enough about my honestprenuer goals.

I wake up dreading the day, with dreams fading away. I’m not depressed, but my drive is in fighting new pains. The new pains are the fears my emotions recreate — meanwhile I’m creating a new path to succeed daily. As long as I’m not doing something useful, my old pains come back to remind me, hindering self to move on.

The road less traveled means you don’t have others’ pasts to trust what’s graveled; it’s envisioning your own way to success that could fail, the challenge is being realistic. Am I delusional? Most entrepreneurs have to be. Unless their business plan is well spelled out, others don’t see their end goal.

What we see is recreated every morning. Through the pains of yesterday, yesteryear, and others instilling fear, we must move forward dusting our shoulders off. It’s a rock bottom game that I hate. And the love is in creating the new.

It’s my life.

If your job was to wake up every morning and recreate the dream you feel you owe yourself, avoid looking outside of you. Looking to others prolongs the dream’s end goal. Look within and your dream will awake you. Soon you’ll see it living outside of you.

Get the picture? Wake up and be you.


Born and raised in Portland, Oregon, Budd writes to encourage readers to explore the depths of their inner ocean, an unexplored self, because it's fun once you get through the emotional part... “The world around us is our vehicle, what you'll read is how I digest it.” -Budd

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