Photo by delfi de la Rua on Unsplash

August 22, 2019

Through the loneliness of writing, the pains of anxiety, and living aside its many delusions a whirlwind perception is embraced. What we are often used to clinging onto is nothing which can be proved — unless a detrimental habit is in site, it’s what our bodily emotions are accustom to.

Whether it be your phone you grab every 11 minutes, maybe you touch your hair or face, even if it’s simply watching TV every night, any attempt to avoid it can be discomforting.

Because what else would you do? The idea of breaking a habit lies in looking yourself in the mirror, hypothetically to ask, “why do I do this?” Personally my habits are done because I either have shit else to do, it’s fun, or my body allows it. With zero effort I find myself doing things I never thought out. Most are harmless, today, but when anxiety speaks in silence it’s the first sign.

Love for example is a habit. Looking past toxic relationships are not. We all feel we need people because they’ve been there for us. When they betray you, which people often do, we forgive and forget. And silently we forget to move on. Habitual lovers on many levels may keep toxic people in their lives just as close as they keep toxic habits. I’m guilty of this too. And the awareness factor is what we fight. It creates the anxiety, false narratives, and delusions of both our past and future.

The consequence is lost time, thoughts, which could’ve been put to better use.

Looking from the outside onto others we typically call them out before we do ourselves. We fail to look ourselves in the mirror to say, “what I’m doing now, is for tomorrow, not today.” Do it and see how your body reacts.

I’m no spiritual healer, I don’t have degrees in any mental health counseling field, but I have a past I’ve learned to move on from. One that many of my readers can relate to. My blog wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t chose to look up.

Forward and ever onward because we see first, think second, then whatever our emotions find useful is what’s next — I think… There are many layers in the body working in conjunction to make decisions. From the gut emotions we can’t control, often the headlights to the information we get, we forget our brains can make logical decisions.

Decisions guided by the feelings we forget we see — soon creating our mood.

Breaking habits are not easy, but understand easy is a choice as much as hard can be. Anxiety is not a choice, however, your reaction is. So be it your echo channels at work, in your family, school, or group influence your thoughts — what they won’t do is intake your next breath.

If you’re aware enough, each inhaling breath will emerge a new thought. The best ones due to habit we expose of. Why? That’s where you must answer.

We cannot control others, yesterday, or tomorrow, but we can control the now. I nearly lost faith in publishing book one. Then I came to the conclusion it was my choice. I can’t control what went wrong, my past choices, or what others think of my writing. What I can control is what I choose now.

And today it’s hope.


Born and raised in Portland, Oregon, Budd writes to encourage readers to explore the depths of their inner ocean, an unexplored self, because it's fun once you get through the emotional part... “The world around us is our vehicle, what you'll read is how I digest it.” -Budd

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