About my recent Floatation Tank experience! And to those who’ve known me for some time and wondered what the significance was behind the feature photo, you’re about to find out. First, to Nathan Sawaya, thank you—for how I immediately interpreted your art by imagining every single lego piece a compartment of my life. Each equal in weight and the black acting as the canvas behind thoughts…… Since I’m confident in my relationship with GOD, I can argue some of us don’t see him(it) the same—whoever the hell he/she (it) is for that matter…. And understanding my readers are atheist, agnostic, part of a religion or group, I respect everyone’s beliefs for what it’s worth to them. Which is the same degree of respect I have for myself. In asking myself how my GOD would feel about putting our conversation online, the more that conversation progressed I eventually found myself at a point where either decision I made seems like an illusion. Let’s say ‘if’ this is, or was him speaking to me then who’s stopping me? I am therefore I think. I have this Ego vs Id vs Self thing going on and so do you… So there’s the trio to digest. But if it ain’t him speaking to me, then I hear voices. But it’s the better one who dominates this time. What sucks is that it’s never saying what I’m hearing.

November 9, 2018

Whichever story you’ve read about GOD being a black woman, the idea is limited to the means of whichever end you accept. In other words, it has no merit if GOD doesn’t offend you. If it did, whose battle are you concerned for?

I can tell you about a stigma, or two dark times in my life. Both related to the ideas of black, dark, and no light.

I wrote about the stigma here, read it…

The dark times in my life are one of the same as good and bad. I’ll explain that later, but I also want to mention that I recently heard the story about the Astronaut who came back to Earth from space, and when asked what GOD looked like he responded, “well, she’s black…” It’s also an old saying, go Google it.

About those dark times in my life.

What you’re reading is my recent floatation tank experience at the Everett House Community Healing Center. It’s a spa, and my chiropractor is there too.

What is a Floatation Tank?

The floatation tank, also known as an isolation tank or sensory deprivation tank, vary in size but typically are 8 X 4.5 feet wide. Air freely flows in and out of the enclosed tank as you float.

So think Claustrophobia.

The tank is filled up with 10 inches of water, and soaked with 800 pounds of Epsom salt making the water more buoyant than the Dead Sea. You’ll float on your back about half in and half out of the water. The water itself is at the skin’s average temperature of 93.5° F, so you feel nothing.

You lie in the dark without gravity, a numbed body, no sight, or sound, but thoughts.

Are You Afraid of The Dark?

-Remember that show on Nickelodeon?

To begin this experience, and before getting into the tank I ensured my mind was clear of any distractions. I brought no emotional baggage to the experience. You know, none of the bags that Erika Badu said would once get in my way. So I packed lite…. I couldn’t afford for any distractions to be crowding my space in a dark space.

I removed all my clothes and with nerves paced myself. The water felt luke-warm and slippery with the Epson salt heavily saturated. I felt out of control and a slight panic at my first rush to settle. Thick, milky, and without light I braced myself for an outer space experience upon our mother rock.

There was a floating pillow given as slippery as the water. At that point I knew I had to apply the number one rule in the tank; balance.

Trying to find stability and balance in the dark was challenging, especially when I felt the first itch. Or, when I felt the pillow slipping from under me. I imagined a sudden move could accidentally splash salt water into my eyes. A lot went on in my head in the first 15 – 30 minutes of floating.

But that’s why I was in there.

Knowing balance and understanding the basic laws of physics, which are no different from the laws of physics outside the tank, I was able to relax and float. And so did the pillow. After muscling and bustling with the silky luke-warm water and finally floating, periodically I’d have an itch because sometimes my butt itches.

But I couldn’t simply reach under and scratch, water could’ve washed into my eyes. In order to take care of this itch, I’d go at it maintaining balance so I won’t risk getting salt water in my eyes. This next process is rule number two of the tank; order.

Say I reach under and scratch my butt with my right hand, I’d immediately lose balance floating on my left side causing that side of my body to go up and out of the water. A simple law to understand, yet I forgot rushing to scratch.

And so I thought synergy.

What goes up, must come down. They’re one of the same in success and due process. It was obvious that my arms and hands would have to move simultaneously if I was going to take care of the itch without disturbing the salty waters. As you could imagine, when both hands met beneath my buttux, they argued who’d do the scratching.

If you thought that was corny, read until the end.

After the first itch was taken care of, I forgot about the other ones. Because I trusted the balance and order—it allowed me to see light in the dark.

And this is where the reward begins ladies and gentlebro’s…

Number three rule manifested in the tank was to not think, and allow my brain to do the processing. Which was a challenge, because you can’t tell yourself not to think—that in itself is a thought.

In taking myself to have no feelings, hear no sounds, taste, smell or anything, I thought black!

From there every compartment of my life floated above me in space. As a black atmosphere voyaging above my third-eye awakening, rule number three enforced itself because I didn’t choose the compartments arriving in thought.

Everything began spilling out the ethers of my memory. But who or what decided those thoughts?

Shit, I don’t know.

Some floatation tank experts suggest letting your mind do the thought manifesting in an everlasting wander. And so it took me 30 – 40 minutes to fully embrace sensory deprivation and get to that point. Despite being afraid of dark thoughts developing from my disturbing past, those thoughts pulled up anyways. In the moments of calm and honesty, I had no choice but to welcome them.

Have you heard the phrase, “let go and let GOD”, well rule number three is just that.

I won’t share some stories manifested in the tank, but I’ll touch on a few over time so that you as my reader understand the significance and meaning behind them.

First vision manifested so deep I came out of it when I felt my hands twitching in the water. Sensory deprived, I’m in a boxing ring.

Yeah, I box.

I felt my hand wraps being wrapped around my spread-fingers before getting into the ring. My trainer was pulling the sparring gloves up my wrist to get my hands over the tight knuckled wraps. Getting ready to spar in a large gymnasium, the eyes of other boxers watching ringside made the moment surreal.

Watching and feeling myself throw punches with a tightened fist in my snug Everlast gloves, ripples in the water made way to my floating pillow.

Trusting the laws as much as I trusted the GOD controlling each thought, my opponent revealed himself in bodily form. By that I caught myself thinking about thinking.

And thus my love for boxing.

This love, and trust however, allowed me to let go. Leading me into visions which got me thinking so I had to restructure the rule I’d broken.

Letting go however, reopened the doors for the dark thoughts—but I got rules to follow. And so I let them play out and immediately realized I was wasting my time thinking, and passing judgement on what not to think. If these dark thoughts are arriving in peace along with my love for boxing, then that’s his plan.

Think of the scene in the movie Titanic, when the watch tower man alerts the captain and crew that an iceberg is in sight and on the ship’s trajected path. That for example is the ego who knows best in the moment, attempting to protect the physical creations from harm’s way.

In contrast, when the mind and body aren’t in sync, shit crashes. Ever had a panic attack? Fortunately, it wasn’t in his plan for me to have one in the tank, but you can read on this site what his plan was for me these past 31 years.

Out the days running from my suicidal emotions, oh yeah, this is the other dark time in my life, where from there I’ve realized I’d run so far and hard up a Mount Zion to forget what I was running from, who I was running from, and where I was running to.

Success can be depressing at times, especially when ThePeople see it. But not sharing the experience is simply unfair and selfish. Imagine defeating your own purpose and having to find another—it’s a blessing’s curse, but it also could be someone else’s….

It’s your responsibility to interpret an experience. And whether you believe in a GOD or not, my curiosity about him brought me to self-reflect on dark times. Maybe he’s(it’s) not a black woman, but how would you explain Kali?

I’m writing about her in the War For GOD II: KALIand later conclude with the War & GOD III: ThePeople.

So…..

Balance, order, and letting go was nothing more than me interpreting this experience as I would’ve in the real world. GOD speaks to people in different ways, mostly when we learn to shut the entire fuck up.

And be quiet….

For a long time.

If the Astronaut who saw GOD in space as a black woman, understood something more than what we who stay on earth assume, synergy backs the saying. I envision he spoke on behalf of those who see the Sun at midnight, and not mistake it for the Moon—like said beauty we’re simply vibrations of thoughts.

Some disguised as dummies’ and they don’t trust unseen catalysts.

Take myself—who once ran from one dark space to another, creating my own light in between for leisure. The balance maintained was critical because I used to be shy. Social anxiety they call it. I don’t know….I mostly didn’t care to be around people.

But when those fighters saw me ringside, I knew it was time to bring the dark to light. Of course in the tank I woke up from the vision.

I wasn’t supposed to be thinking. I was also revisiting those writing sessions in the dark, rereading the letters you all would’ve read. Back then I wasn’t planning to be here.

Yet it’s the light you’re reading now…

So when you see me running at night on Tom McCall’s Waterfront Park, you’ll know where my mind is. Along with the illusions of war between who decides what I decide, is an effortless fight on a dark battlefield. Between the fools of my past and unknown negros in my future.

Before I can tell you who fuels this foolish eternal war, let’s talk about consequences for disturbing the rules of battle. This brings me to said GODDESS, Kali.

Allow her to show you the dummy you fight for.

-Budd

Continued War For GOD II: KALI

Born and raised in Portland, Oregon, Budd writes to encourage readers to explore the depths of their inner ocean, an unexplored self, because it's fun once you get through the emotional part... “The world around us is our vehicle, what you'll read is how I digest it.” -Budd

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