Day 31 of 44 — First inspired by a Tedx Talk viewed on YouTube this past summer, the message would come to me in the epiphanies of overcoming my many episodes of anxiety, fear, and eventual depression. I’ve recognized these cycling moods through meditation. I learned that I am not my moods and nor are you; I am no one special but you are to me for reading this😊.

Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

Sunday, November 24, 2019

Each day gets better, but every morning is the new challenge against the voice telling me today’s the day we rest, or worse, give up. ‘We’, being the creative soul who eventually thrives through a tiring body. I’ve experienced several phases of anxiety and depression to understand what causes my body to breakdown and know when it’s tricking me into sleeping longer.

I’m fortunate to have made it past the days of panic attacks, hopeless thoughts, fear of getting out of bed, and emotional suicide. Over several years it’s taken more than my meditating lifestyle. The sacrifices I’ve made at the expense of a financial well-being has brought me the courage to write about it.

Each level of said moods are conquered through facing fears. I’m still learning everyday – and patience must be embraced for me to overcome the levels of anxiety and depression.

In the photo above I’m on my way to Porto Seguro, Brazil. It was late February 2019 – and if you couldn’t tell my smile is shining as bright as the sun I’d soon enjoy. What the photo doesn’t show is my worry, frustration, and fear.

We actually ended up losing our bags…

In this photo, same location but taken August 2019, I’m showcasing a proof copy of the first book I completed. But here’s why the smile is not as bright.

Between the two photos taken at Brookfield Place in Manhattan, NY, I lost the manuscript to that book, muffed the cover design, cried after realizing it won’t make me any money, beat myself up for putting all my savings into a dream turned nightmare, and I’ll stop there because it all began with a panic attack a week after returning from Brazil in March.

The ‘not as so bright smile’ in photo two was taken just before running 10 miles in Manhattan. Readers who experience imposter syndrome might get the following feeling. What happened the night before the photo was a traveler’s nightmare.

12 hours prior I’d flown into Lagaurdia from Chicago after visiting my ex-girlfriend who’d just graduated from Navy boot-camp. It was Saturday about 11:00 PM EST – the Uber dropped me off at the hotel I booked. After walking up to the front desk, the gentlemen informed me they were overbooked. To make a long story short, for the next 4 hours I was stuck in their lobby sitting on a wooden bench – mostly in fear and frustration I’d be sleeping next to my bags as guests enter and leave throughout the night.

While waiting for to wake me from my, “I cannot believe this is happening to me…” feeling, my frustration grew after each calming moment.

Fortunately, the Hilton Garden Inn near Time’s Square had a cancellation — and finally I was on my way to a bed.

In the 4-hour window was me worrying in doubt and regret. As my dream lifestyle was leaving me tight on money I had no means for that type of trouble. At one point the bench at Madison Square Park sounded ideal for my budget.

Overall, I’d keep asking myself, “why am I even here?”

If it wasn’t for all the miles I’d flown working for great companies I wouldn’t have been able to experience my best friend cross a milestone in Chicago. The journey began with an Alaska Airlines marketing email which dared me to discover the journey I could take in reward for being such a road warrior. But first I had to shake off the travelling worrier.

I can go on all day about my past travel experiences from hell, but in the moments I felt I didn’t belong I’d remind myself that I’m here for a reason. Learning to accept my journey will always involve moments of fear, everyday I’m coming to accept the fight.

Maybe this is meant to be understood by the thrill seekers, chaos to order type individuals, or readers who want to read what NOT to do when self-publishing a book for the first time.

When you grow to understand your fear and worries are just as invisible as happiness can be expressed in a smile, you’ll learn to choose the belief system which turns you into the warrior from worrier.

Breathe to believe you are where you are for a reason. Ironically the fear of showing off my book in NYC would first be captured in a photo taken by the owner of FEHANDBAGS, the journey to write about it would be inspired by another entrepreneur so passionate about handbags as well.

Face enough fears you’ll find yourself running past it with your shirt off.

For a promotional story behind a book where the cover art is a photo taken at the top of Freedom Tower, it all started with a belief buried behind the brightest smile I show off.

It’s been the works of my journey to have experienced New York City to help write the stories of BOOJ-WAH-ZEE. So, I ran the streets of Manhattan in appreciation.

Although a feeling of fear and anxiety within, the photo taken in February at Brookfield Place shows a smile in faith. Meanwhile envisioning a rough path ahead, but in belief a warrior will show up to conquer.

When I find myself asking, “why am I here?” – I don’t think further because the answer is in the following action. In the second photo I had just dealt with a traveling horror story, separating from my (ex)lover, and preparing to run under a hot sun through NYC’s humid air.

While I won’t be leaving much self-publishing advise, yet, have faith that another version of myself in the future is preparing to share it with those who care. Today, #amwriting about the fears I faced; of being in places I felt I didn’t belong, then looking back to discover it’s the familiar onset of anxiety, and like the lessor smile shown in photo two I’m trusting a warrior is beneath me waiting for action.

Otherwise I’d be impersonating a worrier.

Regardless if you’re fearing to sleep next to your bags or lose them, have faith in the baggage which got you there.

How else would we have met?


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Born and raised in Portland, Oregon, Budd writes to encourage readers to explore the depths of their inner ocean, an unexplored self, because it's fun once you get through the emotional part... “The world around us is our vehicle, what you'll read is how I digest it.” -Budd

2 Comment on “Are You Impersonating A Worrier?

  1. Pingback: #AMWriting Back To New York City From Portland |

  2. Pingback: So, Who The Hell Is Budd Hansen? |

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