Wednesday, October 23, 2019
Try this plan with all your heart in front of an audience. Who is my audience? In this 44-day story campaign I’m promoting my GoFundMe. Each day I’m writing to add one word to a long message. Today is day five, and on day 44 you could imagine a 44-word message which started with one word on day one.
Envisioning angels who’d soon save me, day four I ended my published poem adding the word ‘audience’.
What am I doing?
In attempt to keep a dream alive, I’m trying out a plan with all my heart. #Amwriting to folks daily who I genuinely felt would support me – this is temporary before I head back to work.
The angels who save me will become the bridges laid before the next step I take. And so, when/if that time comes I’d like to find the right employer. Whether it be remote, out of state and I move, the goal is to either be back in aviation or writing full-time somewhere.
My biggest dream, since writing is what I plan on doing no matter where I’m at, is to become a pilot. Tuition and other things hold me back today from pursuing a pilot’s license. My grandma once told me she’d never fly on a plane if the pilot was black. I’ve mentioned this plenty to my readers, and to think she said this back in 94’, I must need a job thinking that far back.
My days are full of writing. And planning the day so that my anxieties don’t take over what I need to accomplish. After meditating I think back to the days I’d get high as a kite (on weed) in the morning before work. One time I brushed my teeth twice before leaving in the AM.
It happened once – getting high before work. That high.
After I quit smoking I developed imaginary friends on my nighttime runs. About a year ago I began running at not only awkward times but places my limits would be challenged.
I began writing ‘Bourgeoisie I’ running on Portland’s Tom McCall Waterfront Park between 10PM and midnight. Those imaginary friends were written into the book. It all started on my 32nd birthday, December 18, 2018 – I told myself I’d write it in 45 days.
But that didn’t happen.
What had happened was – after I got back from Brazil in March I was sick. It was difficult coming back to the book. To make a long story two sentences; the program FocusWiter crashed and I lost 30,000+ words of ‘Bourgeoisie I’, what then followed was fear, tears, anger, denial, depression, which led me into my first panic attack since college.
The book brought me to tears after I was able to finish it. July 31st, 2019, I received a proof copy of ‘Bourgeoisie I’. What then followed was everything which led me to a 44-day writing plan, but first a GoFundMe that first felt like a GoFuckMe.
Ignorant to the notion that at some point a collective group of people would have to be sourced in order to prove this dream — I prematurely kicked off the campaign out of fear.
The truth is, after all the growth in the past year, it’s all been uncomfortable. Fortunately, I get to choose the way I handle it. I’ll always be going through fear, anxiety, doubt, shame, embarrassment, anger, all of what a dream’s nightmare entails.
In conclusion, I’m all in with it. I know I’m growing through a process. The idea that I saw this plan in my heart so long ago, encourages me to try with all my passion. There’s a reason I’m reaching out to you.
I’m writing my audience for the reason you’ve influenced me to try this plan with all my heart. Stranger or not, this is what you empower; an imaginary thought to encourage me in the AM, because I don’t need to get high. Erase the doubt of my grandma’ meaningless past sayings, because I now have you to look up to.
I miss you grandma’, but I think I have enough people now waiting for me to move on to the next big thing in life.