Photo by SwapnIl Dwivedi on Unsplash

October 14, 2019

(Continuation from HOW CRAZY RAN FULL MOONS FOR A YEAR.)

I’m the type of individual who often questions why they’re here. Where? Anywhere; a position of great power, trust, appreciation, or simply freedom. We all have our definitions of freedom.

Let’s start with choice—

I believe no matter how hard we think we’re thinking, the final decision would have always been so. Why do we waste time thinking? And maybe I’ve read a couple philosophies about the ego, id, and super-self. Truth is, the experience is all in one. Thinking is necessary, considering the many circumstances we don’t come across. But a gut feeling will likely decide.

This is my conclusion. So far, after a year of writing every day. And meditation. Can’t forget my dear journal….oh, and this blog site. I have a great mentor. A neat home; inside and out to write a lot.

I’m fit, too.

Last night at 11:11pm, I was doing my final leg stretches before my run. The feeling of doubt soon got to me—and to ask, “why am I here?” I could’ve just gone back in the house to sleep, wake up tomorrow and apply for more jobs. But as silence reminded me, no one else was out. Just myself, the fog below my breaths, and trees. Most of the way was dark, so I ran on alert.

Why do I do this? What’s the worst that could happen? I injure myself mid-run and have to call upon a nearby driver? Or my mom… So, why do I do this? Easily could’ve gotten clipped, hit, or attacked by a family of opossums. Cut the run short? No. But then R. Kelly’s song World’s Greatest came on. Maybe I’ll rewrite it…

The world’s greatest believer.

The world’s greatest achiever.

The world’s greatest creature.

The world’s greatest overcomer.

Because oh boy, let me tell you about my problems.

I ain’t shit.

Chased a dream and you wouldn’t believe what I left.

But I’m here running at 12:30 am because I’m blessed.

No one else in this space is doing it.

A God who has my hand said it best.

“…the way you choose is known, I confess.”

No, this isn’t a bible verse, it’s my will I must stress.

That I write through ignorance to be at places I request.

Because honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing.

But I trust some universal power…

Above or below, watching over me howl,

Up at the moon because it watches me flower.

From the concrete streets of Portland I ran.

To the Hunter’s Moon because I planned to be a running man,

-Budd